Friday, June 3, 2011

Franchise: FAIL !!!

Alright, I finally watched Beneath the Planet of the Apes last night...
..and for the moment I have a new "least favorite sequel of all time".

WOW, I hated this movie sooo much...
It has prompted a little dash o' writing on franchise failures:

1) Beneath the Planet of the Apes - Absolute 100% shit. Atrocious. It is literally the antithesis of the first film. Hopeless - mean - confusing. Sparking only 100 ridiculous questions: Why the rubber masks ...where did they get them? etc etc.....and is this the single most nihilistic sci-fi ending of all time? It makes an Alien ending look like The Princess Bride...
It's true - the whole film is BENEATH The Planet of the Apes.

2) T4 or Terminator Salvation - Holeee smokes, I hated this one more than any other sequel ever, and I'm sure it'll reclaim top spot after my super-contempt for Beneath cools down.
Why was MEGATRON in this film? Why would SKYNET have 6 foot doorways ...or even fucking doors at all? I wanted a monster computer and I got Helena Bonham Carter looking as confused as I was.
Ooooh, I fucking hate T4... Fact is, the Terminator franchise is one of my personal favorites and McG's utter destruction of that storyline actually offended me. Only one other theatre experience was as rage-inducing...

3) ...and that was A Nightmare on Elm Street(2010). I honestly don't think Samuel Bayer should work in the Film Industry. He's both talentless and stupid ...ugh, that reboot/remake pissed me off. Just junk from beginning to end ...lousy scares ...lousy super-forgettable Nancy ...lousy digital look, and the twist ...man, something about monkeys and typewriters...
And don't even get me started on what they did to Freddy. Ugh.
A pathetic attempt at a horror film. Embarrassing.

4) Highlander II: The Quickening - The original TERRIBLE sequel. This movie is a lot like Planet of the Apes II(Beneath) in that the filmmakers not only seem as though they aren't fans of the original so much as contemptuous of it.
Roger Ebert: ..gave the film a score of 0.5 star (out of four), saying: "Highlander II: The Quickening is the most hilariously incomprehensible movie I've seen in many a long day—a movie almost awesome in its badness. Wherever science fiction fans gather, in decades and generations to come, this film will be remembered in hushed tones as one of the immortal low points of the genre."
Ha ha haa ...it's sooo true.
My nerd buddies and I deconstructed H2 for years ...The PLANET ZEIST?!?! - What the fuck is anyone in this film even talking about? Super-garbage.



Oh, Ironside ...what are you up to?

5) Batman & Robin - For money, expectation, talent-involved, and strength of the franchise itself ...this may technically be the WORST FILM EVER MADE.
Two hours and five minutes without a worthwhile shot, scene or line of dialogue. This is the epitome of "High End Crap" ...just a completely hollow experience.

In an interview with Barbara Walters, Clooney claims he played Batman gay ...not that there's anything wrong with that...

Eight years before we'd see another Batman movie.

6) Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 - wow.
I remain convinced that noone involved with this "film" saw The Blair Witch Project.

7) Matrix Reloaded - I took this quote from EW: "Revolution is actually worse. But the second Matrix feels more egregious because of the sheer nosedive from the original. Sci-fi droolers had four whole years of pent-up expectations and time wasted dissecting the first chapter's metaphysical riddles. And after all that waiting, what did they get? A laughable techno rave in Zion with a lot of slo-mo sweat and revelers in hemp clothing. It's like a Lenny Kravitz video directed by Bob Guccione."
Yup, hated this while watching, and that's rare. Shite.

8) Ghostbusters II - GB2 is the most "sequelly" feeling movie I've ever seen, and one of the good reasons people don't like sequels very much. It sucks. It has that tired end-of-the-80's vibe ...like an over processed song ...it just tastes bland. I really dislike GB2.
Every moment seems "written" and forced. NO good dialogue ...just efficient and expository, and even the cast feels tired.
And like Die Hard 3 I can't stand it when the romance of the first film is undermined for drama in a lesser film. Why don't Dana and Venkman have a baby? Lame lame lame movie.

9) Spider-Man 3 - Holy Moley, this movie sucks balls.
One bad decision after another ...and only a hair's breath from being as bad as Schumacher's hundred and twenty million dollar homosexual love letter to 60's Batman.
The two originless villains look cool once in a while, which technically makes it better than Batman 4, but it's a terrible film and again ...really "sequelly" feel to it.
SHITTY.
l
"WTF??" pretty much sums up Spidey 3...

TBC

2 comments:

Patrick said...

the shit list. Thanks for wasting your time watching them so I don't have to..

ArthurMacarthur said...

ha ha ha ha haaaa...